Conversations with My Cat: More Dinner Please

Norma:  Excuse me?  Ahem, excuse me?

Me:  Yes, I see you sitting there by your bowl.  The answer is no.

Norma:  I don't think you understand.  The bowl is empty.  There is no food in this bowl.

Me:  Right.  You ate it all.

Norma:  And now I would like some more food please.  Meow.

Me: I'm not giving you any more food tonight.

Norma:  But, meow.

Me:  Remember how I said I thought you were getting fat?  And then my mom came over and said she thought you were getting fat?  And then my brother and sister-in-law came over and said that you're getting fat?

Norma:  That's irrelevant.  The point is, I'm hungry.

Me:  I'm sorry about that.  I shouldn't have been feeding you so much.  But it's the New Year, and we're cutting back.

Norma:  ... We?

Me:  And by we, I mean you.

Norma:  So, food?

Me:  No more food tonight.  Sorry, kitty.  It's for your health.  I wish you could understand.

Norma:  Ok.  Well, if I pee on your face while you're sleeping tonight, I hope you understand.

Conversations with My Cat, Norma

Me: Get out of here, cat.  Can't you see I'm taking a bath?  How about a little privacy?

Norma: Meow, I'm a cat.

Me: Don't give me that.

Norma: Look, I just want to hang out a little.  Do I look like I even care that you're naked?

Me: Ok, but do you have to sit directly on the edge of the bathtub?  I'm worried you're going to fall in.

Norma: I'm not going to fall in.  I have exceptionally good balance.

Me: You fell off the windowsill earlier.  I saw it.

Norma: [dips a paw in the bath water, shakes it off, then licks her paw]

Me: You know, you have a perfectly good bowl of water all your own in the other room.

Norma: I like this water.

Me: You're not secretly dreaming of eating me in a soup, are you?

Norma: [stares, then sticks her paw in the bath water again]

(Norma finally did actually fall into the bathtub today--fortunately for me, while it was still filling up and not with me in it.  Her indignant shock was pretty hilarious.)

Untitled Poem

The only thing that is
just one thing
is everything.

We might as well talk about the lives of pears.
We might as well believe in money.

We might as well hold our loved ones tight
and tell them we'll never let go.

It's true enough.

Sometimes when the snow falls in late November,
it melts, and the grass is green again.

Sometimes when the cat gets out,
it doesn't come back.

Where does it go?

We might as well mourn the falling leaves.

We might as well sing in the shower.

Some songs that have made me cry lately

Dawes, A Little Bit of Everything

The Head and the Heart, Honey Come Home

Bon Iver, cover of I Can't Make You Love Me

Gillian Welch, Hard Times

Self-congratulations!

I got a promotion at work. Basically the main difference will be that now if I screw up and make a customer mad, it will cost several million dollars. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. But it's nice to be valued.

Government getting with the times: Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness

If you haven't seen this, then you're missing out.

Letter to the Avocado I Ate for Breakfast This Morning

Dear Avocado:

You were delicious. I wanted to let you know, because you may have noticed my expression of skepticism when I picked you up at the grocery store last night.

I'll admit that I wasn't entirely certain about you. You looked good, sure, but I thought I could maybe detect a few blemishes under your tough exterior. I thought that underneath your skin, you were harboring some bad spots.

But I took you home, hoping that you were all you professed to be. And Avocado, you were all that and more.

Your flesh was smooth and creamy, just firm enough to offer a nice bite before melting away on my tongue. There were no bruised bits, no signs of decay or oxidization. You were a sweet, tasty green all the way through the heart of you.

Thank you, Avocado, for being such a delicious breakfast.